Solitude - A Shiny Slippery Slope
I love being alone. I love the silent serenity of solitude. I love the absence of responsibility, and the sense of being beholden only unto myself. In solitude I am the mistress of my mind, the ruler of my realm, the queen of my quaint little kingdom – all forty-five square meters of it.
Alone, I rest and nurture those parts of me that are required to face the world. My time and energy are expended as I see fit, in a timeliness that adheres to my own schedule.
In solitude, I am never rushed or harried; I luxuriate in my innate idleness without having to answer to others. I can do as I want, when I want, if I want.
Alone, I am not required to be engaging, entertaining, intelligent, capable, brilliant, loquacious, understanding, caring, nurturing, loving or warm. I can eat, sleep, shower, stay in, go out, read, write, or scroll myself into oblivion, as much or as little as I like.
In the absence of others, I am free to listen to the wind in the trees, the birds in the sky, the cars roll by, and others living their lives. And I can shut myself away from it all. I can send a text or not, make a call or not, plan a visit, dinner or drink, or not.
This condition is truly liberating. But, it is also dangerous.
The extreme comfort of solitude is an addictive enticement, one that becomes harder and harder to extricate yourself from. When everything beyond your alone-ness requires energy, you find your reserves strangely and increasingly depleted. Your solitude becomes your sanctuary, your safe place, where you can be sure to be protected from being offended or offending, from being hurt or hurtful, from being needed or needy.
Away from your solitude, the world is loud, demanding, complicated, difficult, draining; people are selfish, cruel, ignorant, arrogant, complex.
But that’s life, isn’t it?
And there is another sanctuary from a loud, cruel world – it is the heartening embrace of friendship. But to tap into this, you must make the choice to connect. And the onus of that is on me. Alone.
The onus is on me alone to make the time, to remind others that I’m here. Alone I am forgotten, the last remembered, the over-looked, the non-invited. Alone I am neither couple nor parent, two groups that are frequently engaged.
Alone I am the other, the outsider, unknowing of the needs and struggles of the not-alone. I am envied and reviled, ignored, abhorred, and despised. I am pitied and distrusted.
In solitude I neither nurture nor embrace the essence of life, the importance of connection, the joys of company, laughter and love – the rewards of togetherness. There is little meaning in being alone because all enrichment comes from being with others.
Solitude is forever alluring, but it is a shiny, slippery slope to loneliness.
©Maria Orlandi, 2023