You Can Choose Your Friends

Growing up, my mother used to say, “Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.” She said it in Italian, of course – Dimmi con chi vai, e ti diró chi sei. It was her way of alerting us to the dangers of having the ‘wrong’ kind of friends. 

The phrase is an aphorism from the great German playwright, poet, and artist (among many other things), Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. Goethe was extremely erudite, a prolific creator and thinker. The pinnacle of his philosophical approach to life was a collection of Maxims and Reflections in which he offers the reader no less than fourteen hundred truisms gathered over time on everything from art and literature to the tedium of work and meeting new people. Included among these juicy chunks of advice is the aforementioned heads-up by my mother.

Perhaps my mother knew that the best parenting in the world would be put to the test when, in our early adolescence, we were set free to form connections outside of our immediate family. The perils of our running with the wrong crowd, which could easily find us in a world of trouble, were never far from her mind. The dangers weren’t necessarily limited to purely nefarious outcomes, such as smoking, drinking or doing drugs, which most people do under peer pressure, but extended to a concern for our full potential being thwarted by small minded people.

Given, then, that we do indeed choose our friends, are we not presented with an incredible opportunity to be active in the formulation of our character and our identities, aspects of ourselves that often develop without our full knowledge? Who are we? How do we want to be perceived by the outside world? And what kind of person do we want to be? 

The least psychologically burdensome way to be is to be our genuine selves. However, no one tells you that it can take a long time to figure out who your genuine self is and that the path to discovery is circuitous. What made the journey infinitely more pleasant for me was having the right people by my side.

The right kinds of friends encourage us to strive to be our best selves; they don’t put limitations on us nor expectations, they do the opposite – they stimulate and challenge us to be better, mostly through their actions rather than their words. They celebrate our successes, like we celebrate theirs. If they are intelligent and emotionally mature, kind and patient, motivated and engaged with the world (like my friends are), then we will be inspired to be the same. Over the years, my friends have either inspired or encouraged me to make various character building decisions, from buying my apartment, to moving overseas, or believing in myself and exploring a talent.

We have many opportunities to choose our friends – friendships shift, morph, come and go throughout the years. Some people will be our forever friends, but others will diverge and take different paths that are right for them, but not necessarily right for us. At every stage, we have the chance to pick who will add value to our lives, and to whom will we add value in return. 

So I say – choose wisely.