Lettera D’Amore

My dearest,

How long has it been since we were last together? Five years? It feels so much more. Perhaps because our last time was so brief – I barely had time to breathe you in. 

Or perhaps it is because so much has happened since we were last in each other’s company that we are almost certainly different beings now. I wonder if this will change the way I feel about you when, at last, we are next able to meet? I think not.

When will that be, my heart? It hurts me to be so far away from you. This distance between us – an imposed injustice – is one I have rarely borne for this length of time. I remember when I could barely stay away from you for more than two years; like a tightening trigger I would sense the pressure mounting until I couldn’t bear it any longer and I would jump on a long haul flight to be with you again. 

Of course, each trip was always so frustratingly short. Separating from you is painful, so every time I made the journey it was with the understanding that the joy would be short-lived and followed by misery. So why do it? Simple. You are my drug; and even at lengthy intervals, I must get my fix. Surely, I am now well overdue.

There is something about being with you that makes me feel wonderful in a way I rarely feel with anyone else – I’ve never quite been able to explain it. It’s not just your warmth, or the sheer beauty of you; it’s your energy, your sounds, your colours, it’s all that you contain, the good and the bad. With you, I feel different about myself. With you, I see and am seen.

And yet, it’s so much more than even this. The essence of who I am is inextricably tied to you; you are part of my identity and I can hardly separate myself from my own identity! 

But, I must confess something to you – because if I cannot be honest with you, then who else? 

After the last time, I thought I had gotten over you. I mean, I haven’t, but I thought I had. I don’t know. I felt ready to leave almost as soon as I had arrived. I think I was protecting myself, or somehow keeping you at an emotional distance. It was like I knew the trip could never fulfil me in the same way it used to. And it could never compare to the two whole years I spent with you. No time with you will ever feel enough now. Perhaps it was a mistake for me to have spent so much time with you back then, but I don’t regret it – it was the best time of my life.

Whenever we’re together, I am acutely aware of the fact that you give me so much more than I give you. I’m guessing you are used to people treating you this way. For centuries, generation after generation has taken you for granted. Please know that I don’t. Often I feel that I am able to appreciate you more because I am so far away. Just like so many of your lovers who have moved to other shores. 

Oh Rome! I miss you!

All my love,
Maria
xxx