An Abominable Sort of Conceited Independence (Part 1)
Pick up any dictionary and you’ll find over fifteen definitions for the word independent and its variations, but all are centred around one core concept - something or someone that exists on its own merits without relying on anything or anyone else.
It’s a big word - independent - a powerful word. An empowering word.
Taken at face value, being independent would appear to be a valuable, perhaps even desirable trait to possess – what could be more impressive than being able to live your life without being a burden or beholden to anybody else? Indeed, what could be more liberating?
And yet, independence is a surprisingly ambiguous characteristic, one that can be held against you as proof of your failing as a human being. Worse still than being an independent person is to be an independent WOMAN. As per Miss Bingley’s snide remark in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, independence in a woman is both abominable and conceited.
I know, I hear you, I see your eye-roll – Jane Austen’s book was set in archaic times and today’s society has far more liberal views on women.
And yet, I remain unconvinced.
After many years – my mother would say a lifetime – of being independent, I have come to the opinion that people are wary, if not downright critical, of a person who lives their life without needing anybody else. My mother, for one, would have loved for me to need her more, to turn to her for advice and guidance, but I simply never felt the need nor the desire to do so.
As a woman who has been single for most of her adult life, my marital status has often been viewed as the inevitable consequence of my insistence on autonomy. Many years ago, one well-meaning friend advised I should act more needy if I wanted to find a boyfriend, while a (young and male) colleague told me that I was single because I am high maintenance and clearly hate men – this opinion of me stemming from my habit of voicing contrary views when in conversation with his ilk. God forbid I actually have an independent point of view!
What IS true is that my status as a perennially single woman has forced me to become fiercely independent; it’s frankly a matter of survival. Life is full of hurdles and challenges, there is always shit to get done as well as many things I want to achieve – I can’t just sit around waiting for anyone else to enter the scene before doing any or all of them.
And so I didn’t wait. I moved and I travelled and I lived overseas and I bought a home and I changed multiple jobs and I learned French and boxing and drumming and tango (all very poorly, but that’s beside the point). I did all these on my own because I wanted to experience new things. I never questioned whether I should or could, I just ‘did’.
And while ‘doing’, I became stronger and more confident in my ability to take care of myself. Ever more independent.
What’s so wrong with that?
…to be continued…